B’NAI MITZVAH 101

I've heard of a Bar Mitzvah. I've heard of a Bat Mitzvah. What is a B'nai Mitzvah?

A Bar Mitzvah (BAR meetz-VAH) is for a boy. A Bat Mitzvah (BOT meetz-VAH) is for a girl. A B’nai Mitzvah (beh-NAY meetz-VAH) is for more than 1 boy or for a boy and girl. (B’nai Mitzvah or B Mitzvah can also be used for someone who prefers a gender-neutral service.) A B’not Mitzvah (beh-NOTE meetz-VAH) is for more than 1 girl.

What does a Bar/Bat Mitzvah do?

At 13, a young Jewish person becomes obligated to observe the commandments of Judaism - all 613 of them. “Bar/Bat mitzvah” literally means “son/daughter of the commandment.” The "commandment" is to follow the laws of Judaism and pass those on for generations to come. Judaism survives because the story of the Jews is retold year after year. We are not just talking about the story of the Jews' escape from slavery in Egypt which Jewish families around the world retell every year on Passover. This is just one of the stories that are told each year. The story of the Jews is the 5 books of the Torah - Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. (In Christianity, this is referred to as the first 5 books of the Old Testament.) A section of the week’s parsha is read each shabbat, until the entire Torah is completed. This takes one full year. It is the responsibility of the Jewish adults in the community to tell this story by reading from the Torah each week. Automatically, a boy becomes a bar mitzvah at the age of 13 and a girl becomes a bat mitzvah at 12. (Apparently God recognized that girls mature earlier than boys). As a bar/bat mitzvah, the young Jewish person is officially recognized as an adult in the eyes of the community and assumes the responsibility of an active Jew, which includes passing on the words of the Torah. Or, as Bar Mitzvah boys will tell you, “Today I am a man!” In order to reach this milestone in their lives, Dillon and Ben have spent the last few years hard at work studying Hebrew and have learned to read and chant from the Torah. Today, they will read the parsha for this week from the Torah. This week’s portion is called Tzav. They will also read a haftarah and will deliver their D’var Torah, which is their interpretation and personal connection to the Torah portion they have read. (Don't worry - this is in English.)

What should I wear to the service?

At the service, guests should dress respectfully and modestly. (Think business attire.) Shoulders should be covered. If men are expected to wear a kippah/yarmulke, they will be available at the entrance.

What is Shabbat?

Shabbat is also known as the Sabbath or the day of rest. In Christianity, this is Sunday. In Judaism, Shabbat begins at sundown on Friday night and ends at sundown on Saturday. This is the holiest of all the days in the Jewish calendar - more holy than Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. It is meant to be observed as a day of rest and as a day to abstain from any work. More observant Jews will refrain from any use of electronics on Shabbat. In today's world of iPhones, Androids, tablets, computers, smart TVs, Zoom calls, etc., taking a break from those devices is almost like a mini-vacation!

What’s the proper greeting in Hebrew on Shabbat? How do you congratulate a Bar/Bat Mitzvah in Hebrew?

You may hear people greeting each other with “Shabbat Shalom” (Shah-BAHT Shah-LOME), which basically means “Good Sabbath,” or “Peaceful Sabbath.” If someone says it to you, the proper response is to repeat back “Shabbat Shalom.” For those who have done something special, like read from the Torah, you can say to them "Yasher Koach" (yah-SHARE koe-AKCH) which basically means "Way to go!" You could also say "Mazel Tov" (MAH-zell TUHV) which is used to express congratulations.

What is the tiny head covering/skullcap Jewish boys and men wear? Do I have to wear one?

The head covering worn by Jewish boys and men is called a kippah, or yarmulke in Yiddish. Orthodox Jews and some Conservative Jews wear one at all times. Most Conservative Jews and Reform Jews will wear one in the synagogue for services only. In more liberal synagogues (like Beth El), women will often wear a head covering as well. This may be a hat or just a lace circle folded into quarters and secured with a bobby pin. Wearing a kippah is not a symbol of religious identification but is rather an act of respect to God and the sacredness of the worship space. It is meant to remind you that there is always something higher than you at work. Just as men and women may be asked to remove their hats in church, or remove their shoes before entering a mosque, wearing a head covering is a non-denominational act of showing respect. If men and boys are expected to wear a kippah, regardless of their religion, they will be available at the entrance.

What is the white shawl/scarf I see people wearing? Do I need to wear one?

This prayer shawl is called a tallit. It looks like a regular shawl but has special knotted fringes (known as tzitzit) at the four corners. Traditionally, only men wore them, but ya’ know, equal rights. In many synagogues people only wear their tallit when the Torah is going to be read, which is usually on Saturday mornings and other holidays.  Because the braided fringes at the four corners of the tallit remind its wearer to observe the commandments of Judaism, wearing a tallit is reserved for Jews. Although an usher may offer you a tallit at the door, you may decline it if you are not Jewish or are simply uncomfortable wearing such a garment.

What about gifts?

It is customary for invited guests to give a gift to the bar/bat mitzvah celebrant. Presents should be delivered at the party or reception, rather than at the synagogue service. Most parties feature a gift table or other place designated for gifts. What to give is based on both the person giving it and the soon-to-be-adult receiving it. Cash is undoubtedly convenient for all involved and can be used for something the bar/bat mitzvah child wants right now or socked away into savings accounts. Checks are traditionally written out in $18 increments, marking the Hebrew letters for the word chai, meaning “life.” (Each Hebrew letter has an associated numerical value. The numerical value of chai is 18.) That said, no one will be offended if you give a more rounded number, like $50 or $100 — or whatever you can comfortably afford. A quick online search will offer other suggestions if you don’t want to do cash. Most importantly, don’t forget to attach a card or gift tag so it is clear who the gift is from. (Learning to write thank you notes is another by-product of becoming a bar/bat mitzvah.)